


Two Thousand One Hundred Ninety Nine Days

by Kat_Kthrn



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: After season 4 finale, Canon Compliant, F/M, Hiatus Project, It's Clarke's radio journal to Bellamy, Set after 4x13, Time Jump, but before the time jump, it was such a good finale, prompt from tumblr, this fic is going to be a beast
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-11-04 19:36:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 6,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10997583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kat_Kthrn/pseuds/Kat_Kthrn
Summary: Clarke radios Bellamy everyday for the next six years and seven days.Here it was she tells him.Waking up from the end of the world felt like a bad dream. It felt like a nightmare - like the worst kind of them: The ones when you wake up and the monsters are still there, you are still alone and  the darkness won't disappear.(see notes)





	1. Day One

**Author's Note:**

> **I'm too deep in this Bellarke shit, so I kinda feel numb about the finale besides I LOVED IT. This is my second hiatus project and this fic is going to be a beast. I'll update once or twice a week till December - when usually the trailer drops- with what I imagine Clarke was telling Bellamy over the years.  
> *** I'm not a native speaker, so please bear with me. I will try to work with my beta reader as fast as we can to correct any mistakes in retrospect***

Ark station, this is Clarke Griffin. Can anyone read me?  
  
_Waking up from the end of the world felt like a bad dream. It felt like a nightmare - like the worst kind of them: The ones when you wake up and the monsters are still there, you are still alone and  the darkness won't disappear._  
  
Bellamy?  
  
_Her voice was barely a whisper, almost drowned out by the radio's static. His name hurt on her lips, but it didn't matter. Everything hurt. Her skin was burning and she was still coughing black blood, but it was nothing compared to the hollow ripped open in her chest when the realiziation had settled in. It was an arching, demanding and suffocating pain and she knew, it wasn't going to go away. Because she was alive, but alone on an uninhabitable planet._

Can anybody hear me? Bellamy? Raven? Monty? Anyone? Someone? 

_Clarke didn't know how much time passed since the rocket's takeoff, but the air in Becca's lab was still heavy with smoke and the smell of hydrazine. Her mind kept spinning back to the launch and whenever it happened, she felt this incredible relief. That they had made it, that the people she loved were going to live. That Bellamy was going to live._

Bellamy? You came through, right? You did make it to the Ark? I was going to die and I didn't. So, you are not allowed to die, Bellamy Blake! Do you hear me?

_A sob escaped her worrying lips, her voice broke a little more_

Do you hear me? You better not be dead. I survive, you survive. 


	2. Day Three

Ark station, this is Clar-

_Her voice got caught in her throat at the glimpse of the wasteland stretching out in front of her. The tears were dwelling in her eyes as she looked over the burned land to her feet. The forest - impervious before - was gone so she could see till the shore at the foot of the island. The air still had an orange glow._

This is Clarke Griffin. Can anyone read me? 

_Clarke knew they didn't - at least they couldn't the two last times she tried - and she stumpled to the ground, letting the tears roll down her cheeks. As she tried to wipe them away, her hand knocked against the sight of her helmet and she let out a watery laugh, bringing the radio back to her mouth._

Do you want to know what I first thought when I woke up and everything was dark and silent? I didn't thought I was dead, because I could feel my heart beating in my throat...but I thought the world disappeared, literally. That it just dissolved into darkness and I was caught in nothing. My first thought was that I was in hell, after all I have done, it just made sense. But Bellamy...

_She let her look stray over the sight again._

Bellamy, there are no words strong enough to describe what the end of the world looks like, but if I had to, I would say it looks like  _hell._ This is hell, Bellamy. The soil is dead, the air is toxic and the water...

_She smiled sadly, watching it moving calmly._

The water reminds me of the styx. And I know, it's Greek Mythology, but I'm thinking about Dante's Inferno, about the fifth circle of hell. I can see the wrathful fighting and I can hear the silent cries of the sullen. 

_She stopped, considering.  
_

But I'm not dead and this is just the end of the world. And I can hear you telling me that I am out my mind to leave the lab three days after a death wave, but I need to get moving. I packed some stuff from the lab, but there was not much food left - and I'm glad you got it.  
Tomorrow, I'm also checking the bunker for more supplies before I wander off. Like you said, it's untested nightblood and I'm not desperate enough to test it beyond the prime survival ability. At least not yet. It's okay, because I haven't been hungry and I'm still not, but I'll need drinkable water.

_It was a bit of challenge standing up again, but Clarke managed it  and suddenly, there was a feeling of determination rushing through her veins._

But don't worry. I come up with something...just ask Raven. That's my job. That's what I do.

_Clarke held the radio closer to her mouth, as close as the helmet allowed it._

Can you hear me?

_After a beat.  
_

I miss you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, obviously I know shit how the world looks like after an nuclear apocalpyse just three days after, so I just rolled with my interpretation of a death wave.


	3. Day Five

Ark station, this is Clarke Griffin.

_She waited, but there was only the radio’s static – like always. It became the soundtrack of her loneliness and a constant reminder that the future was five years away._

Are you there, Bellamy?

_He wasn’t. Clarke tried not to feel frustrated, but damnit._  
_She couldn’t be sure if they made it. There were about a million things that could’ve gone wrong and yet, they had a better shot at survival than she did – and she survived. Her head snapped up at the realization and she straightened her back where it’s rested at the outside wall of the lighthouse bunker. Or bunker, the lighthouse was no more._  
_She gripped the radio tighter, whispering almost conspiratorial._

I just realized something, Bellamy. I might not know for sure that you made it, but I have the strong feeling you did, because they have you. But Bellamy you…

_Her voice trailed off and her head fall back against the wall with a thud . She closed her eyes, breathing in deeply._

You think I am dead.  
And I know you blame yourself for it. You are blaming yourself for not waiting, for letting me die alone, for closing the door. I know that feeling, Bellamy. I really do - and if you need forgiveness, I’ll give that to you. But you don’t need my forgiveness, because you did nothing wrong. It had to be done and I’m still alive.

  
_She opened her eyes and looked up to the sky, trying to see past the thick cloudy air._  
  
We are still breathing, so there is hope. Those are your words.  
I didn’t forget, Bellamy. I never will.  
It is what keeps me alive right now: I still have hope, because I’m still breathing.  



	4. Day Fourteen

Ark station, this is Clarke Griffin.

_Clarke didn’t even wait for an answer._

It’s been two weeks since Praimfaya.  
Fourteen days and they have been the longest days in my entire life.  
I don’t like solitary but I don’t mind is as much as you think I would, Bellamy.  
I know how to be alone. 

_She stood up, starting to wander up down as far the cable of the radio allowed it._

But I am bored.

S _he laughed._

When I was locked up in the Skybox at least could draw – and Bellamy, I drew the earth. Over and over. I remember thinking that the ground was the dream. Never could’ve I imagined the nightmare it had been.  
But is it weird, that I still I like the ground? Love the earth? I just wished I could feel the sun on my face like I imagined being up space.  
How is it up there, anyway? Does it feel like home? I know it’s worse than it’s been before, but there must be some kind of strange familiarities – or are there just the ghosts of the past wandering the halls? Whenever I think of the Ark, I think about my dad and I can imagine that it must be even harder for you.

_Her legs started to feel too heavy again, so she stopped and settled down. Nowadays, everything she did was exhausting, because her body was going easy. She needed to get some real food._

It is hard here, too and life bores me. I’m a horrible survivor.

_Her lips curled up in a half-smile and she rolled her eyes at herself._

I even tidied up the bunker. Murphy made a mess out of it-… and didn’t Murphy told us he almost killed himself, because he was locked up for three months and there was no food? Well, I found rations for another month. I guess he just was too distracted by the fact being locked up for three months and desperate that he couldn’t get out, afraid even.  
And I get it. The world might be destroyed, but it is still wide and open. I hate that bunker too, but there are books and the air is still too thick to look any farther than the shore.

_It frustrated Clarke. She knew out there were four percent of the earth surface where everything of this never happened. There were a place where she could at least pretend it didn’t._

I like the books, though. I bet you would too. I saw the ones neatly lined up in your compartment in Arkardia. I never told you, but I let my fingers run down the book spine when you were on that hunting trip before the black rain first fell. It felt like a part of you was in that books and it somehow soothed me while you were away.  
I tried to do the same here, but it didn’t work. You never touched or read those books. Here is nothing that reminds me of you and I just want to leave this goddamn island.

I just want to be with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't want to be this person who asks for feedback, but I'm going to be that person because I have to know what you think about the fic so far... :)   
> I hope you leave a comment - whatever you liked it or not!


	5. Day sixteen

Ark station, this is Clarke Griffin.

 _Clarke was annoyed._  
_She was annoyed there was no answer._  
_They got Raven. She literally built a radio from scrap. Bellamy tossed a radio into a freaking river and she managed to get it work again. But she couldn’t built a radio on the ark? Really? And then, there was that constant orange_.

It is day sixteen after the second apocalypse in barley hundred years. How many times the world can go down before it never comes up again?  
The air is still orange and I can feel the earth burning under my body. Everywhere I look is destruction, but I can’t bring myself to care. I just can’t.

_Clarke was fed up._

I thought the universe would be a bit more creative. But I’ve been there, I’ve done that. Everywhere I go, death and destruction follows.  
It’s the same old, Bellamy.

_She got herself worked up. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and she was angry at herself for crying, but deflating slowly._

But every time before – when the ground was trying to kill us – you were by my side to protect our people _with_ me. To protect _me_. And I lost count of how many times you saved my life, but I didn’t forget about them even once.  
I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this.

_The tears were still wet on her cheeks, but they stopped running and Clarke stared into distance._

I don’t know how to stay alive _without_ you. I couldn’t have kept the hundred alive. I couldn’t have saved our people from the mountain. I couldn’t have stopped ALIE. Not without you, Bellamy.  
You are my partner. You are my confident. I just I-...You are so _special_ to me.

_Her voice trailed off, broken by the unspoken promises that may never will be kept._

And against all odds…we did it, Bellamy.  
We survived every tragedy the world forced us through - together.

_The word echoed in her head._

Do you know why we will survive this one too? Why _I_ will survive this one? Because you do. You always questioned whether you deserve to survive, but I never did.  
I wouldn’t even want to live in a world without you.

_She glanced at the orange – the silent aftermath of the end of the world- surrounding her and sighed deeply._

Right now, I’m not even sure I could.


	6. Day twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to lie... but this chapter is definitely not the best and unfortunately, the shortest.   
> Its the first one I didn't map out and I wrote it in a bit of a rush.  
> But the chapter for tomorrow should be better, I promise! :)  
> I hope you like it anyway!

Ark station, this is Clarke Griffin.

_Her voice was wavering with the discovery she made - or rather not made._

And I am stuck on this island.  
It was foolish of me to believe a boat that barely could've stood against the waves would survive the apocalypse. 

_Clarke felt her knees buckle as she watched over the sight in front of her. She forced herself closer to the water, the shore covered in the carcasses of fish which were also covering most of the water's surface. It was the first time she was actually glad she was wearing the helmet. The smell must  be bestial. As the  twater reached her booth, Clarke jerked back. It felt warm - even through her suit - and that was more than concerning.  
She retrieved back to former forest edge and settled down._

I never thought that the boat could be gone, but well. I also never thought I would be alive to get actually _off_ the island.  
The only way I pictured the scenario was either going to space or die.   
There was never a plan B to begin with. 

_She sighed and put her head back, her sight restricted by the helmet and she let her breath escaped slowly._

What I do now, Bellamy? Any ideas? 

_The radio's static crackeled in her ears and Clarke couldn't help herself but to be bitter about it._

Thought so.   
  
 


	7. Day Twenty-Seven

Ark station, this is Clarke Griffin.  
If you believe it or not.

_Clarke sat down at the table beside the radio, pressing the button for the microphone and putting a book on top so her hands were free.  
She could feel the headache pounding in her head and started to press circles to her temples, trying to relieve the pain._

It took me about a week to figure out how to turn the power back on – the light was so bright in my sore eyes – but now I can sit in the lab instead of being up there or the bunker.  
It was tricky to find the switch and Raven would’ve probably laughed at me...

_She closed her eyes._

These are the moment I miss Raven the most.  
In the moments I figure out how to fix the most mundane electrical things. I want to turn around and tell her… an- and she is not there. _Nobody_ is there, but the nightmares are back.  
_  
Clarke opened her eyes and saw that the book had slipped down, she didn’t know when. Sighing she pressed the button herself, but she didn’t bother to repeat what she just said. Instead she whispered._

Do you have still nightmares, Bellamy?  
Because I do.  
They disappeared the first weeks when I was too exhausted to even comprehend I had fallen asleep. I just passed out and woke up in the morning, in the middle of the day, in the middle of the night – there was no pattern. And I didn’t care.  
But they are back now.

_A shudder ran down her spine and she closed her eyes again._

They always start out so peaceful.  
I’m on the ground or the Ark or even in the City of Light.  
When I’m on the Ark, my father dies first and then like a bad montage everything else crashes down. The drophsip. Mount Weather. ALIE.  
When I’m on the ground I walk around, the sun shines and then Jasper get speared which starts the downward spiral.  In the City of Light, I know something is wrong immediately and sometimes I see Lexa, but most of the times I see you.

_A tear was slipping down her cheeks._

It’s like a parallel universe.  
Everything is so fucking perfect I want to claw my eyes out and then I see you. It is always you, Bellamy. I stop fighting and I’m running towards you, but then you step into a rocket and disappear into space.

_Her cheeks were wet, the pounding in her head almost unbearable._

But no matter where I am, the death wave gets me every time. I wake up crying, sometimes I scream and sometimes I hear noises that can’t be there.  
The nightmare are worse than before, because they rip me away from you, from everyone else.  
And then, I feel lonley.


	8. Day Thirty-One

Ark station, this is Clarke Griffin.

_Clarke cleared her throat, trying to let it sound fearless and glanced at the door of the lab._

And I am not alone on this island.  
Why are we always wrong about our assumptions?

 _Clarke remembered the first day on the ground. When everything was still beautiful and they were excited just to be on the ground, to be free. But the danger had always been there._  
It was in the whisper of the wind, in the rustling of leaves and you could feel it as a chill on your skin.  
Clarke could it feel on skin, now.  
  


I slept in the lab tonight - there was more to do, more to see than in the bunker.  
But as I went down there to get my rations…I-I…saw _traces.  
_ I don’t know what left them, but I am scared.

_A shiver ran down her back and she hugged her knees, pressing the button of the microphone with her finger._

I wish I had guns.

 _A desperate laughs escaped her lips._  
  
And I wish you were here.  
I didn’t know I could be such a sap, but wherever we are, there is always a light when you are with me and I’m sick of the darkness.

_She laughed again, dry._

But don't worry, I’m not planning on leaving the lab soon.  
Do you think you could give the radio to Emori? I know she spent years delivering tech to ALIE and she must’ve seen what was sauntering the island before - and how the hell it survived the death wave.

_Clarke waited – like Bellamy would’ve actually got up to find Emori._

Yeah, you are right.  
Its better I don’t know what _it_ looks like. I hear the noises – the one I thought were part of my nightmares – it made… and well.  
Up to now, I’m still breathing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: The idea with whatever is running around the island is not from me. I read it in a tumblr post about the Island of Dr.Moreau ! If I cross the post again, I will put the tumblr id here!


	9. Day Thirty-Five

Ark station, this is Clarke Griffin and I need a new radio message.

_Clarke’s eyes swept over the page._

I found another journal from Becca as I tidied up the lab as well.  
It’s one of the first and it is about the nightblood.  
  
_She squinted her eyes, looking at the chemical equation and shaking her head. She used to be good in chemistry, but that was the basic stuff. She wished Jasper were here – or her mother. Again, she shook her head. She didn’t allow herself to think about her mother.  
_  
Becca tested it on animals first. On animals on this island. This could explain how the thing outside survived the death wave. It is a nightblood.  
  
_Clarke turned the page._  
  
The first test runs weren’t black, and most of the animals died in the span of a few days.  
But then she changed something…

_She read the equation out loud, trying to make sense of it._

Do you know what Becca did, Raven? Maybe, we can replicate it and make it better. Who knows how many apocalypses are still about to come?

_Clarke laughed about her bad jokes.  Maybe she was really slowly slipping into insanity._

I think the changes turned the serum black and after that, the animals survived.  
  
_Her eyes widen at what was written on the next page._

So, Becca started…she started the human trials.  
  
_Clarke skimmed her observations and was reminded about their very own human trial. A shudder ran down her spine._  
  
They failed. Just like ours, because she needed a zero-G environment… and then something about her principal, but the next pages are ripped out.

_She leaned back in her chair, sighing deeply._

We should’ve injected us all the untested nightblood, you know? As precaution.  
Okay, no. I am being unfair, right now. I’m sorry.  
But then you could be here with me and not in space.... and I’m selfish.  
It is a miracle that I survived and... well, when it had been your life depending on the prospect of a miracle...  
No, the stakes would've been too high.

_Clarke looked around._

  
It is better that I know you are in space and alive.  
And besides, I tried to forged weapons. Well, forged it a strong word, but I built a spear and knives from glass fragments, because I need to go outside.  
I _have_ to find a way from this island or I won’t make it, and this is not an option.


	10. Day Thirty-Seven

Ark station, this is Clarke Griffin.  
I'm not sure if you can hear me, but I have good news.

_Her voice echoed through the cave._

First things first, I was not eaten alive by that nightblood animal - or maybe even animals- out there. In fact, I didn't even see it and I think, it - _they -_ might be nocturnal.   
But that is not the good news, but you know, more good news than I had yesterday.

_Clarke stopped her rambling and tilted her head slighty, tapping her chin with her free hand._

I found a boat.

_She studied it. It looked new, far more like a boat than the scrap of swimming metal with which she got onto the island. White and sleek, almost untouched.  
Clarke assumed it was Becca's and somehow preserverd by ALIE - just like the mansion. _

I was scouting the shore again, trying to find anything useful, _anything_ that could me help to get off this island. I went west and there was this cave and it looked so out of place. When I got closer, I realized it was a bunker or at least some sort of cover - and I was wondering _what_ in there needed cover.

_Clarke touched the cold hulk of the boat. It wasn't very big and would probably only fit one or two persons, but it looked heavy._

I just don't have any idea how the hell I should move it.  
There are about fifty meters of sand before I reach the water and there is no way I can drag it that far.   
  
_She scoffed at the boat and put her head back. Through a smale hole in the ceiling, she could see that the sun was starting to set. She had been getting really good at distinguishing  the several shades of orange._  
  
But that is a problem for tomorrow.   
It is getting dark and if my hypothesis is right, the animals will crawl out soon. 

_Clarke bent down to gather the backpack and her weapons.  
_

 And I'm not too eager to face these creatures in nothing but moonlight.

_She stilled, thinking over what she just said and then exclaimed suddenly_

The moon! Well not the moon, but the tides... I just have to drag the boat out of the bunker and to the shore and then wait.

_Her stomach dropped._

In a boat, outside... at night. 

 


	11. Chapter 11

Ark station, this Clar-

_Clarke's head whipped around and she clutched the knife tighter. Warm black blood was running down from the small cut in her palm._

Bellamy, it is me.

_She whispered, eyes fixed on the darkness where the noise was coming from._

I managed to drag the boat on the sand, but I went out too early. The tide hasn't reached the boat yet.

_A heavy sign escaped her control, watching how the water teased the boat's hulk. But her gaze swiped over the landscape, focusing on the edge of the forest._

  
Remember when you told me what you told Charlotte?   
Just before she killed Wells?

_Her heart stuttered at the thought of her best friend. So much happened after that, so many more deaths and never enough time to mourn the deads._

You said you should slay her demons while being awake so that you could sleep at night. I haven't slept in days, Bellamy...because the demons were sneaking around the lab. I could here them coming closer to the bunker the night before.

 _Another sound and Clarke jerked the knife in front of her, her heart pounding in her ears_.

What would I give for a gun?

_Clarke laughed silently._

But I'm a lousy shot anyway. I guess we should've practiced some more.

 _She wanted to close her eyes, distracting her mind with more memories of him, but she couldn't.So instead.._.

Tell me something.   
Tell me about the stars...I can barely remember them.  
All I can see is the dim, pale moonlight filtered through layers of thick air.

_There was a moment of weakness and Clarke closed her eyes._

Tell me sweet nothings while I run my hand through your hair... while I kiss the freckles on your cheeks, the scar above your lip. Your lips...

_Her voice trailed off, and she touched her own lips absentmindedly._

And listen, when I tell you how much I lo-

_Something tackled the side of the boat and Clarke jumped up, dropping the the radio and pulling out another knife._   
_But there was nothing. The shore stretched calmly in front of her and no wild creature in sight._   
_But then, the boat was tackled again und Clarke fell down to her knees._   
_She turned around, seeing how the water hit the side of the boat over and over again._   
_Clarke jumped into the water, pushed the boat further in and was just heaving herself  back in when she heard heavy steps on the shore._   
_She tried to start the engine and panic rushed through her body when the animal let out an ear-splitting cry._   
_Her hands were shaking, cold sweat broke out on her forehead, her breathing became ragged...and then, the boat took off._


	12. Day Thirty-Eight

Bellamy?

_Her voice was raspy from disuse and sleep. At the lab, she used to read out loud to train her voice but she was now on the water for about eighteen hours._

Why did we never learn how to swim?   
__  
The wave were dangerously wavering the boat, but she was lying on her back, looking up the sky.  
  
In earth skills, we learned everything about berries and fire and this kind of stuff. It was about the life on the ground, I get it... but about 70 percent of the earth’s surface is covered in water. Why did nobody think about teaching swim lessons?

_Clarke sighed deeply, kicking the dashboard lightly.  
_  
I ran out of fuel around three o’clock and without fuel there was no electricity and then, the lights went out. I paddled for about half an hour until I gave up. It was senseless paddling in the dark and I feel asleep.   
  
_Clarke sat up, watching the sun burning at the horizon as the sunrise began._

But before that, I was ready to give up, because everything felt _so_ pointless.   
I escaped the island to be stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean. If I got to land, it would uninhabitable for everyone but _me_ …

_A wave splashed into the boat, covering Clarke’s arm with cool water._

I even took off my suit and waited.  
But like every time before I survived – and it felt like a sign from the universe.  
And then I knew this couldn’t be the end.   
That this would not be the end of me, of _us_.   
There are things I have to do and things I have to tell.   
_  
The sun was slowly rising, sending sunrays over the water and let it sparkle. Clarke grabbed the paddle._

Five years is not that long, right?   
We’ve been to ground for almost a year – and it felt like several life times.   
We can do five years, and Bellamy?

_Clarke stilled and watched how the earth was drawing breath for a new day. Coming up after everything that happened in a beauty that made Clarke want to cry._

It will be worth it, I can feel it.

_She started to paddle again._


	13. Chapter Thirty-Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know I'm late.  
> But I needed to study for my exam which I probably failed anyway... so its a bad excuse and I'm sorry... but here is a new chapter where Clarke has more determination after the fucking apocalypse than I do after an exam

Bellamy?

_She jumped off boat and felt the wet sand was slightly giving in under her weight._

I'm back.  
  
_Her eyes traveled around a similar wasteland she left on the island before her eyes fixed on nothing in the distance._

And I bet I would be able to see the Polis tower if it was still there.

_The waves were hitting against her boots and Clarke turned around, dragging the boat to the shore and dropping down into the sand._

It feels weird...knowing that it's gone.  
Maybe because there was so much hurt and death.   
Full of broken alliances and lost love, visionary ideas and even more step backs.

_Clarke spread her hand on the ground, feeling how her palm tingled lightly._

But even when it is gone, forced from the face of the earth... it still lingers.  
Do you know what feels even weirder?  
Knowing that there are people in the ground. Under all the destruction and under all the...ashes.

 _She grabbed a handful sand, letting it ran through her hand and smiled lightly_.

From the ashes we will rise, right?

_Slowly Clarke stood up and looked up at the sky._

It like it better than may we meet again.  
It sounds vague. It sounds like a goodbye.  
But we will rise? It is a promise.

_She buckled her backpack and left the suit in the boat._

Bellamy, we will rise. You and me and our people. I promise... and I'm gonna go to find the patch of earth where.


	14. Day Fourty-Five

Bellamy? It’s me.

_Clarke looked up to the sky, leaning against the tree – or at least what was left of it._

Do you remember when we went to the bunker?

 _Like ghosts the memories wandered over the barren ground, and when she closed her eyes, she could see Dax struggling with Bellamy, how Bellamy killed him. How he saved her life for the second – of so many times – in such a short time._  
  
Yeah.

_She smiled._

I can’t forget either. It was the last time I saw my dad. And I know, it was just the Jobi nuts…but he felt so real.

 _Clarke stilled and looked around. The entrance to the bunker was no longer hidden behind the greenery, but rather painfully obvious_.

Sometimes, I wish I could get high on the Jobi nuts. Then I could see you again, Bellamy. And Raven and Monty…maybe even my mom?  
It woudn’t even matter, but the silence would be gone.  
It is always so quiet, Bellamy.  


_The static in the radio was the only sound, maybe for miles and Clarke heard the thoughts in her head way too loud. In the night when she laid down to sleep, she could the blood rushing in her ear._

The wind used to be the breathing of the woods, sighing through the trees, and the animals running through them like the beating of a heart. But now, there is nothing.  
 I can barely remember it. It feels like I’m back on the Ark, and the ground is nothing but a dream.

_Clarke sighed deeply. Being alive felt more and more like a burden. And Clarke’s mood changed with the day. One day she was determined she would survives this, that the loneliness was just so loud as she allowed it to be – and the next day, she just had enough. Today, definitely fit into the second category._

I think a lot and I talk a lot. With you, with myself. Maybe I’m slowing drifting into insanity, but talking to you soothes me, and talking to myself keeps the silence away.  
I also wonder a lot.  
  
_She shifted, getting in a more comfortable and in the back of her mind, she remembered how she used to lean at that tree in that exact same position._

I wonder if we had left- just you and me – that night…If everything would be different now.  
But then, it is like I’m reminded of how we are, or at least who we used to be. Even if we had gone, we would have come back. We weren’t going to run from our responsibilities.  
  
_Clarke glanced over to the bunker entrance once more when another thought crossed her mind, and she let out a strangled laugh. It tasted weird on her tongue and lips._

I just remembered when I asked you to come with me. Can you still remember what I said to you?

_She waited if there was a chance he would answer._

I said that I didn’t want to be around anyone I actually liked and it’s funny, because…

_The smile disappeared from her lips, and her voice was serious._

Because there is not a single person in the entire universe I would rather have by my side than you, Bellamy – right now…and forever.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I'm really late, but I got finals and other stuff. Life sucks sometime.  
> But here is a new chapter, and I decided that I'm going to reduce the chapter rate, because I want to go with quality instead of quantity, and a lot of chapters felt like fill chapters and yeah. 
> 
> BUT I have a new chapter for things we have done ( still open for prompts)  
> and I will update tomorrow the first part ( up to now, about 4k, more to come) of a new fic! 
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you think and thanks for reading!


	15. Day Sixty

Bellamy.

 __  
Clarke turned the worn copy in her hands, fingers sliding carefully over the cover.  
  
I saved the Iliad.  
I did it for you, because I found it in your quarters hidden under the floor.  
  
S _he smiled sadly, flipping through the pages._  


It must meant a lot to you when you hid it there. But the rest of your stuff is gone.  
  
_A heavy sigh escaped her lips and she looked at the ruin what used to be the ark._  


Just like the Ark. All what is left is a skeleton, gnawed raw by the death wave.  
I’ve never been more thankful in my life that we found the bunker when I see this in front of me.  
I know the station burned down, but Bellamy, I’m not sure the death wave would not have just waltzed over it, and burned _us_ inside.  
  
_Clarke let out a watery laugh._  
  
Well, I’m not sure if being trapped in the ground or fleeing to space or walking alone on an inhabitable planet is much of an improvement.

_She put the book in the in her backpack, not quite ready to read it. It felt so much like him and she was not sure if she could handle it already, because it not only felt like him, but like him before she’d known him and that made it strangely intimate._

And Bellamy? Thank Monty for me. Someone had brought a rover in shelter inside the Ark. It mostly survived and I’m waiting for the sun to get up to charge it. I bet it was Monty.  
I know it was him. So thank you, Monty.

 _She jumped from the hood of the rover._  
  
I will get some rest. I still need to find better food and water resources than I have right now, but first I’ll go to Polis and try to contact the bunker.  
  
_A shiver ran over her back._

I need to make sure that at least they survived…  
Dammit Bellamy, why don’t you answer? You have to be alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm have to be the party pooper yet again, but I'm going on vacation for two weeks and my friends ( who planned the trip) just revealed to me we will have no internet and no phones????? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM? But it is probably a good idea.  
> I think I'll make a comback with two chapter to make it up for the lost time, I'm sorry and hope to see y'all in two weeks! :)


	16. Chapter 16

 

Bellamy, can you hear me?  
It should not be half a year already.

 _She pulled the cover up to her chin, but it was threadbare and scattered with wholes and really, it didn’t matter. It was not cold. It hasn’t been cold since the apocalypse and pulling up the cover was more a ritual than anything. A habit from old times. Something she used to do, something her mother used to do when she was little.  
  
_ It feels unreal.  
Everything feels unreal and sometimes even I myself feel _unreal_.  
As if I’m nothing more than a ghost wandering the earth. As if I were dead.

 _Her voice was shallow.  
Today was bad. Not that the days before had been good, but today, today felt utterly and completed bad. It felt like a day to give up.  
  
_ Remember when I visited Polis a few months ago? How I could not recognize _anything_ at all?  
How I didn’t know where to start looking for the bunker?  
I feel pretty much like then, Bellamy.  
I went further north today.

 _The frustration had came a few weeks ago, and by now had settled into her bone, drawing the breath out of her lungs, feeding on her hope._  


And I think ALIE lied.  
There is no inhabitable spot. There is no oasis, there is no paradise.  
  


_Clarke stilled, watching how the woods darkened as the light disappeared. Maybe the sun would not rise the next day. She wouldn’t be surprised._

Don't come back.   
  
 _The words burned in her throat, forcing tears in her eyes, but..._

Tell the others: DON’T COME FUCKING BACK.  
I can’t let you die. I won’t let you die.  
You survived in space, but the ground will kill you.  
  
_She sighed heavily.  
  
_ So if you can hear me…please.  
_Please_ don’t come back.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really did not mean that chapter to be so sad and dark, especially after Clarke being so hopeful in the last one.  
> But I'm not feeling so well myself so I'm projecting ( sorry for that, it is always in my writing), but SPOILER: I will introduce Madi in the next chapter, it will be lighter from there. I promise!


	17. Day Three hundred sixty five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally some real hope

Bellamy, you won't believe this.

_There was a rustling beside and Clarke lowered her voice, glancing to her side._

I found a child.   
She can't be more than five.

 _The little girl was curled up some feet beside her, sleeping_.

I was going west when I found her.   
There was a bunker - a twenty day trip from Polis I think- but it took me another day to open it.  
And there she was Bellamy.  
Alone, scared, wary.  
I never saw someone with such frightening in her eyes and it broke my heart.

_Clarke looked over to the kid, seeing how her body was tensed and she was sure at the smallest sound the girl would wake up. Fear did that to you._

She was so afraid of me, she ran into the depths of the bunker, hiding in the smallest corner she could squeeze in.  
I could have needed your advice _,_ then _._

_Clarke smiled at the girl rolled over, snoring lightly._

But eventually she came out, but she didn't talk.  
She drank the water and ate the berries I gave her, but kept her distance before falling asleep several feet away from me _._

_Clarke sighed, shifting in a more comfortable position without making too much noise._

She is a nightblood.   
There were some wounds at her arms from the hiding spot and I saw the black blood.  
I guess she found the bunker before the death wave and hit the door snapped shut behind her.  
The bunker was not sealed, so radiation was seeping in, but the door is heavy, hard metal and gigantic locks.  
There was food in here, though.  
That is how she survived and still I can't believe she did, she is a kid.  
And it is a year since the apocalypse.

_Suddenly, her voice was small._

A year, Bellamy.  
It god damn year since I last saw you, and my heart, my head, my entire body is aching for you.  
Just another five, but I think I can do it.

 _Clarke watched the girl sleeping, uneas_ y. _There was suddenly a strange feeling in her chest._

Now, I have to.

 


	18. Day Five Hundred Fourty Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A goodbye to the Dropship

Is it weird that it still feels more like home than any place on earth?  
   
_Clarke let her hand ran the metal, weathered and beaten by the death wave, but still there.  
Like a rock in the ocean, standing against the endless waves, brave and unconquered._

Maybe because it was the first place we called home on this god damn planet.  
We’ve built these walls which now are gone, and in the ground our deads used to be buried.

 _She looked over where Madi was putting the sheets on the barren ground. They had drawn flowers on them. The little girl glanced up, smiling at her and resuming her task. It was for the celebration._  
Two years ago, the dropship fell from sky and brought her here.  
  


Maybe because it is the place that reminds me the most of you. The place where I can remember you the best.   
Your face is slowly slipping from my mind, and I hate this feeling. It feels like I am losing you.

 _Clarke’s gaze wandered around the camp._  
  
And when I’m standing here, I can see you riling up the crowd. The fucking cocky grin in your face. Your flirty smile at the camp fire.   
I feel the shiver on my skin when you inspired the masses to fight and Bellamy, they would’ve followed you into hell.   


_Madi ran up to Clarke, clinging to her hand and Clarke smiled down at the girl. She dragged her to the sheets spread on the burned ground. They drew a flower for everyone they lost here, and Clarke kneeled down besides Wells.  
She could feel Madi’s small hand on her shoulder before they returned to the rover._

They would’ve followed you anywhere, Bellamy. And if I could I – we—would too.   


_Madi crawled back into the rover and Clarke rounded the car, leaning against the driver’s door._  
  
But we can’t and the dropship is nothing more than a mausoleum. I  
t is no place for a home any longer and it is time to move on. Time to find the place where we going to live, Bellamy.   
Me and Madi and you.   
A family needs a home.


End file.
